Gratitude

I saw this today... I read it... And felt there was nothing else to say.

Had the best day today with Finn - these days are special. I watch him grow and I watch him learn. I'm so lucky that I'm allowed to be his mom. He truly is a gift. I felt very grateful.

The ocean is made of drops.

Today is March 24th 2010 - 110 days to go !

Food for thought.

There is an affliction quietly and insidiously affecting us that crosses all lines of age, gender and race. It began when we were young and learned that in order to fit in with our families we had to ignore our own needs, stay silent, follow along, and give away our power. As adults this syndrome continues to rob us of our ability to ask directly for what we need and want and drives us to violate ourselves and our own integrity. When we're in its grips, we contort ourselves to fit in, to belong, and to ensure our status as a "good person". In a moment of desperation and powerlessness, we forsake ourselves in order to avoid confrontation and the mere possibility of rejection. This is the dis-ease of trying to be liked, being nice, seeking acceptance, and trying to please others as a strategy - as a way to feel safe in the world and worthy in our own skin. What is even more important to recognize is that seeking the approval of others is a way to avoid how deeply we disapprove of ourselves. The feared rejection of another is actually an outward reflection of how we have already rejected certain aspects of ourselves.

TRUST

I was thinking today about the amount of TRUST that goes into an adoption plan.

The TRUST that we do the best we can for this child. Keep our promises and be the best parents that we know how.

And the TRUST that once your heart goes into the idea and dream of this baby joining your family...it really happens.

Two strangers TRUSTING with all their hearts that one of the most powerful decisions that they will make in their lives...is in each others hands.

In the end we won't be strangers at all... we will be "the one person" that made the other's dream come true...in 2 very different ways.

TRUST. One little word with a huge meaning. One of the most important things in this world. Something that is hard to find, something that is broken often. But when 2 people TRUST...amazing things can happen.

Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. - Elizabeth Stone

I am so very special
I have been from the start.
Before they held me in their arms
My family held me in their hearts.

And like a single drop of rain
That on still waters fall,
My life and love will ripples make
And touch the lives of all.

So read this precious story
As step by step I grow.
I am a special blessing and gift
As each page here will show.

Not Just Any Old Friday.

I had the honor of attending an ultra sound to meet this little person that we are all planning for. The entire day I was so excited - the night before I didn't sleep. Ultra sounds make me really nervous. I have never really had a positive ultra sound. I have probably had over 100 in the last 5 years....that is not an exaggeration...that is probably an under estimation....anyway....Friday's ultra sound was something much different....it was amazing...let me tell you.

We both had to pee so badly! I wasn't going to go because I knew she couldn't - so together we squirmed in our chair and watched with hopeful eyes as the women came out to call the the next person. We hoped we would be next. And we were. I didn't go in at first. I had to sit tight while all the measurements were taken (everything looked great). I talked to a young girl in the waiting room who told me her whole life story...which I loved of course. She had twin girls when she was 17; she was now 19 and pregnant again. She told me she was there to make sure there was only one! Oh God...what if there is more than one? I tried to calm myself....then; out she came to get me.

I turned the corner and entered the dark room. There on the table was this beautiful belly and the biggest smile to great me. Are you ready they asked? YES!!!!!

And there it was....this baby, all formed, with the roundest little head, and then the hands, and the feet kicking like crazy. Then all of a sudden there was the heart...pump, pump, pump. Oh my God look at this little person. I couldn't take my eyes off the screen. It felt like a dream. Wow this is really happening and I'm here to share in this amazing moment. Then she focused in on the gender....sure looks like a boy to me....yup me too. The technician smiled and said "OK" all done. A baby boy...a baby boy....Finn a big brother to a little brother. It all felt so right, so perfect. I will never in my life forget that moment. EVER!

Together we went as fast as we could and ran to the bathroom. We peed. The baby was healthy and together we experienced a pretty special moment.
I'm just so thankful

A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue, but the parent of all other virtues !

The day we all met!

A few weeks ago we met the birthmother that is carrying the baby that we hope to adopt. We met in an office that we had been in many times - but we knew this was new for her, and we felt really nervous for her. I instantly felt a protection for her - I wanted her to be comfortable, I wanted to take away her fears and make her feel safe. I wondered afterwards if this was because fo the baby - or is it just in my nature to be kind and want people to be ok.

She is so beautiful - inside and out - she was calm and had a smile that lights up a room. She studied our faces, and looked at us for answers...but it felt very natural and it felt like a time that I would never forget. I have this feeling that she will have this baby and we will never see her again. She has a look about her that wants to know us to ease her mind...but then plans to put this time in her life behind her in the most loving way possible.

Its always amazing to me that perfect strangers can bring you such joy - or change your life in a way that you didn't even know was possible. I looked down at her belly and thought for that moment....our baby is in there, growing and becoming the person that we will come to know as our son or daughter. Is it a boy? Is it a girl? Does the baby look like her, amazing eyes, pretty smile, her calm way, her sweet innocent disposition? Please God let that baby be healthy!

My husband really liked her - she sat across from him and I could tell right away - they had more to talk about than her and I. She loves hockey, sports, and is easy going. This made me so happy. I was able to just sit and listen so that one day I can tell the story about the first day we met. Then suddenly there was total silence...for a moment I felt that this was a time that something magical was happening....all of us accepted that this was going to happen. We all looked at each other, smiled and knew it was time to go. We took comfort in it...we had accomplished what we had come there for. We all went home and watched the hockey game...in true Canadian form :)

We plan to met again! Maybe one more time before the baby is born. I hope she knows that we realize how lucky we are and just how much she is going to change our lives. We have more love and more space in our family for this baby....when this finally happens she will always be an angel that has touched our lives forever.

Life is truly amazing

Not flesh of my flesh
nor bone of my bone,
but still miraculously my own.

Never forget for a single minute,
that you grew not under my heart,
but in it.

Author Unknown

When it all seems uncertain, scary, and you feel alone. When you have nothing else. You have FAITH!

The count down

Today is March 11 2010!

There are 123 days till the due date of the baby. Sometimes that feels long, sometimes that feels around the corner. I struggle with what to get, and how to get ready. I don't have the physical signs of having a baby. This baby is growing in my heart and in my mind everyday, moment by moment.

Today was the first time I bought something for the baby. I bought baskets for the room. I put them in the trunk of the car and then brought them into the house. I justified the fact that they were on sale and a color that would go with the house...if this baby doesn’t happen for us I could always use them for something else.

This is what my mind goes through every day. I think of all the little things I will need. I don't get them because I don't want to get ahead of myself, or show any signs that my heart is aching to nest and plan for the birth of this baby. The reality is I think I just have to take a chance, a leap of faith and believe that this feels right for a reason and life is a risk...even when it comes the to the birth of an innocent baby.

Tomorrow it will be 122 more days :)

Words to live by.

"It is a mistake to look too far ahead. Only one link in the chain of destiny can be handled at a time." - Winston Churchill

When I was a little girl I told my mom that I would adopt a baby one day. I remember her stare down at me very quietly ...then smile and say I know you will Nat...I know you will. My mother has since passed away and every day I miss her more than anyone will know! I can't help but feel that she somehow helps these magical things happen in my life. Four years ago we adopted a little boy who is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to us. My husband I look at this little man with amazement and can't believe that we have been so blessed. Each day that he grows we know that this little person was made to be a part of our family...and there is just no way that we could love him anymore than we do. His adoption brought us closer as a couple and as a family. He was my dream and he came true...and then some. A few weeks ago we were contacted by a brave and wonderful young woman. Is it possible that our lives are going to be blessed again? Well my friends... it looks that way to us. The timing around the contact of this opportunity can not go unnoticed...this is no coincidence; this is life working just as it should. I have decided to start this blog to write about the days to come and what this might be like. My hope is to help others that are waiting and to include people in what it is like to wait for a baby to be placed in your arms by a total stranger. It's hard for people to share in our joy or understand what this time might be like for us...we have come to learn that life has a plan for us, and although you can guide it as best as you can...something bigger than us is steering. You can plan as best as you can, sometimes you just have to chase your dreams, hold your breath, cross your fingers, dig deep into your faith and hope that it all works out for everyone in the end...us, our family, our son, this amazing birth mother, her family, her friends and most important this little life we hope to call our son or daughter.

The question is can your heart stand the wait...it's long, it’s twisted and sometimes you just don't sleep